nonsense to do nothing

sitting alone in a dark corner waiting for nothing to attack my volatile self. alas, who says nothing-ness makes nonsense? the more i gather my self, the more i want to form something to express myself, the very content IN myself, i just feel nothingess creeps deviously and erodes me with all my joy on something "should-have-been seen" wondrously. i have just realize that seeking the depths of something, nothingness invades my mind and stole my cheerfulness and excitment and gives me, rather, the "devil's gift" of madness. for instance, there is something i feel deep in me, then i begin to leap with joy of what i've found, there is this almost indescribable ecstatic feeling in me...my thoughts begin to work, trying to give reason of what is happening deep in me..trying to "categorize " what's really happening now...it widens, it expands, it "dribbles" and "kicks" in my mind with such beaming joy. soon, i am immersed into the sea of intensification and glorification of what i would rather meant with my feeling within and of course, i am LOST. dizziness rattles the forming picture being formed by my thoughts, and when it collapses, madness comes to the fore. the more i tried to work it out, the more my thoughts loses its power, the more i intensify my feeling within me..the more i want to feel its sweetest sweetness, the more i lost the "thoughts" i want to picture of what i feel. why? is this a paradox? that the most beautiful is inexpressible, or that we're just trying to make nothing into something? that nothing-ness itself..after all is the ground of both beauty and madness...